I am writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read very fast. We are all very well here. You won't recognise the house when you get home because we've moved. We moved because father read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home. It is quite nice and has got a washing machine. I put shirts in it last week, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since. Last week I had my teeth taken out and a new fireplace put in.

Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Your sister Mary has had her baby, but I don't know if it's a boy or girl, so I can't tell you whether you're an aunt or an uncle.

Your cousin Pat died last week at the brewery. He fell into a vat of whiskey. A couple of his mates dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely. He was cremated on Wednesday, and it took a week to put the fire out.

It only rained twice last week; once for three days and then for four days. On Monday the wind blew so hard that one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

I went to the doctor on Thursday, and your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes - your father offered to buy it from him. The doctor told father that he would require of him, a sperm sample, a urine sample and a faeces sample for diagnosis. We left his underpants at reception on the way out.

I've sent you a coat, but it was too heavy for the post, so I cut the buttons off and put them in the pockets.

Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knitted, she put a third one in because she heard you have grown another foot since she last saw you.

Your brother Tom has joined the army. He's only been there a week and they've already made him a court martial.

Your loving mother,

P.S. I was going to enclose £5 but I had already sealed the envelope.