I didn't say Micky Mouse had buck teeth!

I said he was FUCKING GOOFY!

The first time I ever saw my current girlfriend she was wearing a very sexy and very tight pair of jeans.

I went over to her and asked "How do you get into those tight jeans."

She replied "You can start by buying me a few drinks..."

Confucius say: Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.

Confucius say: Woman who stand on head, crack up.

Confucius say: Rape is impossible, woman with skirt up can run faster than man with trousers down.

Have you ever wondered why condoms traditionally come in a packet of three?

The last time I wanted it three times was before I'd had it once...

Judging by the smell I thought it would have been bigger.
~ Anonymous

If girls are made of sugar and spice, why do they smell of fish?
~ Anon.

I kissed her lips tenderly, then she crossed her legs and broke my glasses!
~ Anon.

I'm so unlucky that if I got half a woman, I'd get the half that talks.
~ Anon

If it's long and thick and buried to the hilt then it's IN decent.
~ Anonymous Woman

I was fucking a girl with a huge pussy years ago, and she said "I've had a coil fitted".

She could have had a carpet fitted!

Guys, if your girl could have a 'carpet fitted', then maybe you should have a little look at this pussy tightener.

Vibrators don't prematurely ejaculate.

If Typhoo put the 'T' in Britain. Who put the 'cunt' in Scunthorpe?
~ Anonymous

Vibrators don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.

Men are like public toilets, they are either engaged or full of shit!
~ Anonymous

A vibrator can do it more than once a night.

The angle of the dangle is equal to the thrust of the bust, if the urge remains constant.
~ Anonymous

You don't have to tell a vibrator he's the best you've ever had!

You can get a bigger vibrator whenever you want without being called a slut.